moparstuart
Well-Known Member
1. Two blondes walk into a building ....... you'd think at least one of >> them would have seen it.>>>>
2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, >> press the hash key...'>>>>
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't >> find any.>>>>
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 dollars that he >> couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are >> too high.'>>>>
7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, >> 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you >> can't, I've cut your arms off'.>>>>
8. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.>>>>
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the >> craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak >> and heat it too.>>>>
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered >> with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.>>>>
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. >> Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'>>>>
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'. 'That >> sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'>>>>
13. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is >> there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a >> look at him'.>> So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. >> Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because >> he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'.>>>>
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.>>>>
15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you >> give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, >> go for it..'>>>>
16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 >> people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my >> Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I >> think it's Colin.>>>>
17. Two fat guys in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other >> one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'>>>>
18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, >> and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other >> one off.>>>>
20. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several >> places'. The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore!>>>>
21. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a >> small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and >> rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number >> to climb as digging continues into the night.>
2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, >> press the hash key...'>>>>
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't >> find any.>>>>
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 dollars that he >> couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are >> too high.'>>>>
7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, >> 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you >> can't, I've cut your arms off'.>>>>
8. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.>>>>
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the >> craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak >> and heat it too.>>>>
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered >> with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.>>>>
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. >> Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'>>>>
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'. 'That >> sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'>>>>
13. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is >> there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a >> look at him'.>> So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. >> Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because >> he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'.>>>>
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.>>>>
15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you >> give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, >> go for it..'>>>>
16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 >> people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my >> Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I >> think it's Colin.>>>>
17. Two fat guys in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other >> one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'>>>>
18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, >> and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other >> one off.>>>>
20. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several >> places'. The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore!>>>>
21. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a >> small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and >> rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number >> to climb as digging continues into the night.>
