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Sorry guy's, playing with a photo editing program ...

Late in the night he regained consciousness… He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital’s ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him. He realized he'd obviously been in a serious accident. She gave him a...

I saw a fundamentalist Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River this morning; he was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying. Along with him was an illegal Hispanic drug cartel member who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large...

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a...

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know...., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening...

I became confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these agencies: Internal Revenue 'Service' U.S. Postal 'Service' Telephone 'Service' Cable TV 'Service' Civil 'Service' State, City, County & Public 'Service' Customer 'Service' This is not what I thought 'Service'...

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was...

Why do lesbians shop at Gander Mountain? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Because they don't like Dick's!!! :laughing1:

We headed for the closest tavern, and I gave him a Bud Light. He did not like it so I drank it. Then I got him a Corona, but he did not like it either so I drank it. It was the same with the Coors, the Miller’s High Life, and the Pabst Blue Ribbon. By the time we got...

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says......... "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk." "Si, Luis, eet sure...

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?" "Yes, coach", replied the little boy. "Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?" The...

At the exact same time, there are two young men on opposite sides of the earth: One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers, The other is getting oral sex from an 85 year old woman. They are each thinking the exact same thing. Q: What are they both thinking? . . . . . ...

The Corpus Christi, Texas: Police Department reports finding a man's body in the Nueces River near Labonte Park . The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption. He was wearing black fishnet...

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?' 'That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment.' So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female...

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously. "Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?" The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm...

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, 'Can I help you Sir?' 'Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr', the man replies. The cop asks, 'Where was your car the last time you saw it?' 'It wasss on...

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.' The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not...

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies. 'Fred what?' the officer asks. 'Just Fred,' the man responds. The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and write him out a...

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep. She receives these accommodations absolutely free. She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep. She has her food prepared for...

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his...